OHAI!

I am too tired to write anything interesting, but it just occured to me I haven’t posted here in a while.

 So then: Hi all! I’m still alive!

One love me breddas and sistas <3

 - Nile

And Now For The News! (Part One)

(Yes this is all over dramatized, sue me)

The Greeks are in a state of rebellion. American governors are now selling their positions to the highest bidder in public. Israel is utterly destroying every fragment of the Gaza strip, chewing it up, spitting it out, and destroying it again. Ukraine and several other Eastern European countries now face a looming, uncertain economic crisis as Russia has cut off gasoline shipments. African pirates are running rampant and looting billions of dollars from a variety of countries ships, even going so far as to begin securing military equipment as powerful as tanks.

But hey, let’s talk about the things that really matter -

Like pie.

I do not think there is a person in this world who does not enjoy at least some kind of pie. It is a universally accepted food, and while you health nuts may scoff at the idea, come on – you know you want it.

This also goes for jello, or jelly, or pudding, as it is known to the Brits. As a human being it is your job to love both, and if anyone says otherwise, they are an alien. That said, Bill Cosby has a special announcement for you, about, yes, jello.

And in other news, Daler Mehndi is going to kill me with his song, Tunak Tunak Tun, as it is deeply embedded in my head with the only way to remove it being a knife. And it shall now embed itself into yours:

And finally, Vince, the notorious American TV sells man of German towels, wants to sell you something. Please watch this:

I have been very bored lately, can you tell? .

- Nile

It’s Sarcasm, You Silly Yanks!

You know you are an American if you think:

1: Non-American people care about what you have to say

2: If it wasn’t for the US, the world nor sliced bread would exist

3: Europe is a country, filled mostly with bad guys who want to make you work overtime with low wages

4: Russians are the head honcho villains of the world and will not stop at any cost to get you working overtime

5: Chinese people are also bad guys, but America needs them alive because they make everything for it, so that’s why you haven’t nuked ‘em yet

6: America is a free county

7: Muslims are also bad guys, but unlike Russians and Chinese people, they simply want to kill you because they’re bored.

8: Anyone who would dare wear a turban is an enemy of the US and wants to kill you (see belief 7)

9: Joining the military is a great and honorable deed, as are the many deeds that follow, such as: Killing people who may or may not be innocent, risking your life for inconsequential tasks simply because another person tells you to, and of course, buying a one-way ticket to a shrink’s chair and lots, and lots, and lots of alcohol to drown the memories away (assuming you survive of course).

10: Burgers and grease-soaked fries are a wonderfully healthy staple in the American diet

11: You have “American heritage”

12: Tacos are American food

13: Germans are not to be trusted and are to be watched with suspicion, because their country is lead by Hitler

14: The British respect and look up to the US

15: Israel is a poor undefended country that has done absolutely nothing at all to provoke the actions of all of those angry mean Muslim countries (Again, see rule 7)

16: Barack Obama is the greatest man to ever live, OR he is the anti-Christ and will destroy the world (varies)

17: It is your duty to guide foreigners and tell them what to do; after all, you are an American, and thus they all look up to you (unless they are Russian, Chinese, German, or Muslim; in which case, you must be on guard and subdue them before they can call in a nuclear air strike!)

18: American is the national language of America

19: The FBI are the nice men who protect you from the people who wanna make you work over-time. And aliens, too, if they existed.

20: If a foreigner can speak English, they are doctors, phone operators, or spies/terrorists.

This post is entirely for comedic value, I assure you. So please, crazy US fans, don’t flame me .

- Nile

YOU SPEAK IT, YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT IT IS!

Ya’ know, there are some things out there that really bug me. A lot. And here’s one of ‘em: There is no such language as “American”. Americans speak English. The Irish speak English. Scots speak English. Australians speak English. The English speak, yes, English. And that is that.

Next time someone says something about “speaking American” I am going to go postal on them. Promise.

Oh, sorry folks – just a random rant and no story this time .

- Nile

On To The 21st Century!

Welcome Back, Me.

It occured to me today that I do not know any Arubians. I feel suddenly incomplete.

Anyway, as a few of you know, I have been moving. And as one of you know, I have also been quite sick with some very potent cold. Well, luckily that has passed for the most part and this new apartment I am living at is fairly nice. Given, I will say that in the grand scheme of life it is no royal castle, but compared to where I’m moving from, it certainly looks like one to me. Unfourtanatly we (my family) do have some neighbors who are not anti-social fools like we are, and while this would normally not be my problem (as I have a knack for slipping out of social contact and dumping it all on my parents), they have an 11-or-so-aged boy named after a city in Texas who seems hell-bent on being my…”Friend”. It’s not that I have a problem with the people here…Okay, that’s a lie – yes I do. I totally do. I have nothing in common with these people and due to a series of rude incidents that have happened throughout my life with them I have made it a vow in life to never assosciate myself with anyone in Dry Ridge or the serrounding areas. Yes, I know it makes me sound like a complete snob, but keep in mind I have my reasons. Now that aside – this little boy seems polite enough and seems to mean well, but the age gap makes any kind of conversation between us impossible, and while his idea of having fun is playing video games and acting like an idiot with the local hoodlums, my idea of fun is sitting in my room contemplating about how screwed the world is and complaining about it to like minded individuals. Thus, you can see why this “friendship” would not work, especially now that I have a new internet. Which brings me to this:

For the past three years I have been stuck with a dial-up connection. This is bad enough of course, but even worse still is the fact that the phone polls near my old house were probably built sometime around World War Two (No humor intended – I’m quite serious about that) and had received no repairs or replacements sense then. The average speed of my old internet was about 2KB a second…Horrorifying, isn’t it? Thankfully I am now rid of that evil menace and now have broadband after a long seperation between myself and the 21st century’s technology. I could go on and on about how happy I am, but hey, this blog isn’t mean’t to be about my emotions, so back to the story at-hand!

I am not actually anti-social like I make myself out to be. Before I moved here I had a decent amount of friends and all that – but also a thing to keep in mind is that before I moved here, I was still a little child. As I have aged into a teenager’s body my persona has become terribly hermit-like, and I now prefer to communicate over the internet/phone as opposed to bothering to make my room up and actually go outside in the sun. I realize that now is the perfect time of my life to socialize with people – ya’ know, go out and speed around town in my parent’s non-existant car with some bimbo and smoke/sniff/inject all forms of illegal drugs and do those idiotic things most teenage males seem to do…But I am not that kind of person – I actually am one of the lucky few people my age to have a brain in their skull, and I figure I should not waste it. That aside, even if I didn’t have a brain, an eleven-ish-year-old and a sixteen year old have no business “hanging out” – when people get older, a five year age gap does not seem like much. But as a teenager, five years is more like 50. When this kid first met me, the first thing he said was “Boy, you sure is tall”. I mean…C’mon…

So my rather odd social life aside, I am now living in a new apartment and away from that hell-hole I used to live in. While it does bring some annoying neighbors with it, it never the less is a great sign that I and my family are finally moving ahead in life, one small step at a time.

Ah yes, and a bit of good news for me…I recently learned that a very intelligent and prophetically beautiful young woman who will someday go on to rule the world (Or well, most of it anyway – I have reserved the rights to Cuba. Sorry I didn’t tell you this until now, Alexandra, but Fidel Castro is mine!) has quoted a section of my previous entry and put it on her profile on another site under her “favorite quotes”. Hence, my influence is slowly spreading! Hurrah!

- Nile

A Quick Little Introduction/Wal-Mart Nuns

When writing your blog, you have to tell yourself that people actually care about what you have to say, when of course they don’t at all, unless your a deliberately provocative female (which I’m not) or a politician who’se going to blow the world up (which I’m not…yet) – Only, none of the interesting politicians have made their blogs yet – I mean, where is Fidel Castro’s blog? That North-Korean dictator guy’s blog (Ya’ know – the short crazy guy who dresses up like Elvis)? Joseph Stalin’s Blog? (Okay yes, he has been dead for 60-sum years now, but that’s hardly an excuse…) So, as I am neither an object of sexual desire nor a dictator (or both – oh, kinky!) I do not suspect anyone in particular, save a few friends, have any interest in reading about a middle-aged teen’s trivial troubles in the heart of a little Kentuckian high-way town called Dry Ridge.

So I will spare you the majority of moaning and whining, and instead get onto the amusing and often times absurd stuff that happens in my life. Perhaps an occasional little grumble here and there, but rest assured there will be no self-pity or senseless whining. Hence, this blog is dedicated to chronicling the many absurd events in my life which will hopefully give you a chuckle and help pass a few moments should you find yourself rather quite bored and void of anything to do. So, let’s begin!

- > Wal-Mart Nuns < -

No matter your religious beliefs, you have to admit there is something very powerful feeling about the aura of Priests, Imams, Rabbis, Monks, and Nuns. Someone who’se so willing to dedicate themselves to their own truths has to be admired for their dedication. Now I personally am an agnostic for the most part – when I was younger I was a free-spirited Christian, but this feeling subsided in me when I hit my teens, and occassionally now I go through a few months everynow and then where I feel absurdly Jewish, though to hell with the idea of me being bothered enough to actually contact a Rabbi and do all the schmuck (pun not intended) required to be considered an official Jew. But anyway, even if I decided to become a hard-core Atheist I would still feel a certain aura of respect for people who dedicate themselves to their religion. However, it’s an entirely different feeling you get when you meet them outside of their working place, which is something I did today.

For those of you who are not from the U.S., Wal-Mart is America’s top super-market. It’s an underhanded business by all regards – it’s products are low quality, it treats its employees like crap, it charges an arm and a leg for everything, and in general it’s just a very symbolic image of America (sorry for the dig, fellow yanks!). The problem is though, it’s for the most part the only “rounded super-market” you get in America, in that it sells most of the things a person essentually needs and occasionally wants, so basically we yanks have to go there because we have nowhere else to go. So, you find a lot of people in the different Wal-Marts you can go to. The crazy “Hills Have Eyes” people are my favorite – ya’ know, the kind who look like they are mutated survivors of a nuclear holocaust and have just came out of their bunkers to face humanity for the first time in years. Because of where I live, really you only get that kind of person, the bible-belt type, and some very bored, trendy, EXTREMELY southern teenagers who sincerely say things like “HOLY MACARONY, MA!” when they see a video game they like. Oh, and let’s not forget the dogs-in-heat prostitute-esque girls that hang around the corners wearing their tank-tops and illegally short skirts, but that’s for another story. So anyway, we have tons of churches in this little town – all of them Christian of some demeanor of course; have you ever known of a southern American high-way town that actually had a mosque or a synagouge in it? – but they are all the ten-seater kind of types like you see in old westerns. No big stone chaples here or anything – just small white little buildings without air conditioning where a sweaty preacher will go strangle himself trying to croak out passages from the bible which warn of damnation for things he does on a daily basis. So you can imagine the surprise I had when I spotted two elderly Nuns in full Nun-gear today at my Wal-Mart. They were walking hunch-backed and waddling like penguins over to the eye-doctor’s place (which is, oddly, built into the Dry Ridge Wal-Mart), tripping over their robes in a matter that is entirely un-Nun like. At first I thought they must be Nun-impersonators – Nuns often-times seem to simply float about in an eery fashion when near their huge places of worship, glidding effortlessly about without ever tripping over their awkward clothes. Perhaps even a living Monty Python sketch, I thought – look closely enough and one of them might’ve resembled John Cleese if you gave her a mustache – but no, these Nuns were the real deal. I do not know where they came from, nor where they were going – but point is, there were two Nuns in the Dry Ridge Wal-Mart today and I cannot help but find that oddly fascinating. I mean – NUNS? HERE?  In the land of fast food and gasoline and segregation? It’s one of the more unpredicted moments of my life, and one I thought I would share with you. So there – you now know that two Nuns were in the Dry Ridge, KY, Wal-Mart today. Your life is complete, yes?

Stay tuned for more absurd stories…Perhaps the next one will have more of a point to it.

- Nile